Stokercon Afterthoughts

I’d usually take to my journal and personal letters after an event such as this. Scribbling almost maniacally with my pink fountain pen and holding back tears so not to ruin the ink. And I’d sit in a park like I had last year, writing to those who touched close to my heart throughout the weekend, hoping that in some way I could string together the words to say how much I truly love them. But today I felt a different kind of awe. This grandiose elation in my chest, as though all day I’ve been unable to breathe deep enough to fill my lungs. Walking around Stamford today, drinking my coffee, looking through the hundreds of photographs I was so lucky to take, thinking back on the millions of tiny moments that are still making my head spin; the emotions I felt—am feeling right now—are this great sense of togetherness.

I can say now how nervous I was coming into Stokercon this year. Truthfully, I had almost cancelled my trip on numerous occasions and for numerous reasons—the more dreadful of which I’ll not divulge here—but the closer I got to the convention it just began to feel right. At least from my perspective, we’ve had a tumultuous year as a community, rough patches, loud noise, our online home of Twitter torn asunder, indie presses closing left right and centre, a dreadful lack of open calls and opportunity, and as such I’ve struggled a lot with feeling like we are a community. I’ve kept my distance. Others have too. And then early in the year I was met with the tragic news that Off Limits Press would be closing their doors only a month before my debut novella was due to release in July and, I think I drowned in that moment. All the small issues felt enormous. Uncertainty now tasted more of isolation. If you’ve read the manga, BLAME! there are these great structures that keep building themselves over and over, without much understanding of why. So, they end up with stairs that have no meaning, archways that lead nowhere; they become constructs without a purpose. I think maybe that’s how I’ve felt. Writing but not knowing why or where I’m going, just a broken typewriter that can’t stop clacking its keys, even if there’s no ribbon. It’s been a year that has asked me to give up numerous times. Damned if I say I haven’t gotten close.

But then that’s why we have these events, isn’t it? To remind ourselves why we write, why we love this torturous thing we call art. And that’s what I found at Stokercon this year, a reminder not just that I am an artist, but that my art is alive and well. For those of you who came up to me to say you’d watched my video essays or that you love my tiktok’s, for those who attended the Found Forms panel or my reading, know that that presence you gave me has stuck so deep into my soul. And the opportunity to talk about writing—about my art—with so many of you. Ugh. In my drowning, I stopped talking about writing and it hurt. Deeply. This was refreshing. I remember last year, I was in a panel and suddenly we hear shouting through the walls and someone goes “there goes Clay.” and my first thought was “that’s me next year, I’m going to read Our Witchless Flesh and that’s me next year.” Well wouldn’t you know it, after my reading I had people come up to me and say “I wasn’t in your reading, but I heard you through the wall and knew it had to be you.” Call it manifestation, call it working toward your dreams, no matter the label, I’m happier than I’ve been in a long while.

There are more personal thank you’s and moments that I’ll leave for individuals, but I will end by talking about the Stokers. Gods, didn’t you all look stunning!? I don’t think I’d realised how much I’d stepped back from photography until the Stokers rolled around; getting to photograph you all, getting to watch you all light up, dress up—it was the highlight of my whole con. That you all let me capture that beauty in human expression is a gift like absolutely none other, and though I currently have no plans to attend Stokercon 2026, my fervent need to be your photographer again is pulling me in the most manic of directions. If you’ve not seen the photos please do head over to my instagram and scroll through them all (@sapphicsapphire_lazuli)

Stokercon 2025 was gorgeous. A full ceremony of artistic togetherness that I can’t put into legible words how much it has healed me. I’ve had the best day thinking about you all. I’ll continue to have the best day thinking about, and sharing stories of my time spent here alongside you.

My unending love and gratitude,

Sapphire Lazuli